Much like the Wollongong Hawks with their ‘Cinderella Story’, the Perth Wildcats have their own. It’s not a fairytale and its a adaptation of a more modern story.The Perth story isn’t as publicised and romanticised as the Wollongong fairytale but the message is just as important. Sung to the beat of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, I give to you ‘Harmie and his Wildcat Factory’
Mr. Chuck Harmison, the eccentric commissioner of the National Basketball League, has decided to open the doors to the playoffs of his league to five lucky teams. In order to choose who will enter the playoffs, Mr. Harmison devises a plan to hide five golden tickets. The search for the five golden tickets is fast and furious. The New Zealand Breakers, a corpulent team whose only hobby is shooting three pointers, unwrap the first ticket, for which their town throws a parade. The Townsville Crocs, an insufferable bunch of brats, receive the next ticket from John Rillie, who had given the Crocs so much over the last few years. They didn’t even say thanks! The Gold Coast Blaze discover the third ticket while taking a break from their happy sailor dance. The fourth ticket goes to The Wollongong Hawks, who, as their name implies are from Wollongong.
The Perth Wildcats, the unsuspecting hero of this story, claim the fifth and final ticket. The Wildcats live at Challenge Stadium, and although go ten deep, share the only bed in the stadium, located in the only bedroom. The Wildcat’s circumstances become all the more dire when they needed more money. Nick Marvin pleaded to the public for another sponsor. But a tremendous stroke of luck befalls when the Wildcats spot a raggedy sponsor and decide to use the money to buy themselves a second import.
The Wildcat’s lucky find has transformed them into an energetic and almost childlike team and set out on their adventure to the playoffs.
At the playoffs, The Wildcats marvel at the unbelievable sights, sounds, and especially smell. Whereas they are grateful toward and respectful of Mr. Harmison and his league, the other four teams succumb to their own character flaws. Accordingly, they are ejected from the playoffs in mysterious and painful fashions. The New Zealand Breakers did not win enough games and failed to make it to the playoffs. The Gold Coast Blaze were determined to be a “bad nut” by nut-judging squirrels who throw them out along with their trash talking. The Townsville Crocs impetuously grab an experimental piece (a gun) and try to commit homicide but shoot themselves in the foot and turned into a goose-berry. They are consequently removed from the factory. With the hope of being on beloved television, The Wollongong Hawks shrink themselves, and their mascot who oddly enough wears a blue jersey has to carry them out in his pocket. During each team’s fiasco, Mr. Harmison alienates the owners with his nonchalant reaction to the team’s seeming demise. He remains steadfast in his belief that everything will work out in the end.
After each team’s trial, the Oompa-Loompas (the rest of the NBL/ BA admin) beat drums and sing a moralizing song about the downfalls of the teams. When only the Wildcats remain, Chuck Harmison turns to them and congratulates them for winning. The entire day has been another contest, the prize for which is the 2010 NBL title, which the Wildcats have just won.
Read more of Haggard’s great writing on the Australian National Basketball League at Can’t Buy a Basket.
