Also, I hate to have to remind folks of this, but this column is intended as humor/satire. I’m really not that shallow — most of the time.
NBA Style Alert – D-Will or D-Don’t?
In the vein of “what have you done for me lately,” the writers, commentators and ESPN pundits who feel the never-ending compulsion to anoint someone as “the best” at just about everything decided that Deron Williams is currently the “Best Point Guard in the NBA.” (Incidentally, on behalf of fans of Western Conference teams, I’d like thank said pundits for presumably pissing off Chris Paul with this statement — that’s all we need, an angry Chris Paul.) Now I could address the nuances of this argument, but that’s, well, boring. What I’d really like to talk about are all the other issues with Deron Williams. Namely, the Utah point guard’s “look.”
There are a lot of photos like this in various galleries of Deron Williams. I like to think he’s mourning all of his regrettable style decisions. [image credit]
I have no doubt that there’s anyone alive who hasn’t heard the saying, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Deron Williams, however, is doing neither — unless, that is, his life’s aspiration involves selling dishwashers at Sears. The strange effort at disguising hair loss, the awkward tattoos and facial hair experimentation just don’t scream, “I’m the best point guard in the NBA-step off.” Not one bit. Chris Paul has this look, with his sharp coolness. Steve Nash does, too, in his quirky individualism. Even Rajon Rondo, has it, though it’s partially negated by the upside-down headband.
The Tattoos
- Initials (mother and grandmother) on left arm;
- “D-Will” on shoulder;
- State of Texas, “Texas Made” and flaming basketball (!) on one arm;
- Cross and associated religious symbolism on one arm;
- Chest tattoo; and, of course
- The panther.
Now I won’t judge the family-related tattoos, if that’s the way he wants to commemorate the people he loves, more power to him. (Though, if any member of my family came home with a tattoo of my initials on any part of their body I would mock that person mercilessly.) However, the flaming Texas basketball and the panther, those are an entirely different story. It’s probably my west coast bias showing through, but I have a really hard time getting my head around exactly what point D-Will is trying to make with this ink. Because I research these things so you don’t have to, I Googled the flaming basketball extensively, and apparently he chose that design simply because he’s from Texas and plays basketball for a living. Which makes so much sense — I’ll book my appointment for a tattoo of a flaming pen inside a silhouette of Oregon as soon as possible.
And then there’s the panther. This isn’t Deron’s first panther. He had a smaller, less colored-in-with-a-Sharpie-looking panther awhile back. For some reason, left to better Googlers than I, Deron decided to cover up his original panther with an inkier, presumably more fierce, cat. We know it’s more fierce because the teeth and claws are bigger. Whatever Deron’s reason for the change, I blame Carlos Boozer.
Yes, that new panther is a tremendous upgrade over the previous one. [image credit]
(By the way, in yet another case of I Google so you don’t have to, panthers are surprisingly prevalent in the NBA-apparently it’s a symbol of courage, valor and power. Who knew?)
The Facial Hair
Remember this horror movie of a phase Deron went through earlier in the season? I remember seeing it in person, and literally kept losing track of the score of the game because I couldn’t stop contemplating what the hell he was thinking. I remember saying to someone, “I wonder if Deron’s teammates are pranking him and told him that crazy beards are all the rage?”
I have no idea who the other dude is in this photo, but he’s probably as confused by D-Will’s beard as the rest of us. [image credit]
I’m just going to come and and say what everyone was thinking when they saw Deron’s ridiculous beard earlier this year: Exactly which role was he auditioning for in Salt Lake’s community theater production of Fiddler on the Roof? (My guess is Tevye the Dairyman.)
My theory during the Utah guard’s beard phase was that he was laying the groundwork for some sort of impressive facial hair architecture. (I’m sure I’m not alone in not believing for one second Deron’s assertion that he simply wasn’t shaving until the Jazz won five in a row — the photo above was actually taken well after they had finally won five in a row.) Needless to say, that wasn’t the case.
All that work for this?
Public Service Announcement: Deron Williams is wearing a cardigan in this photo. [image credit]
My theory about Deron’s facial hair? Peer pressure. Again.
The Hair
I am pretty proud of my ability to make up commentary about just about anything, even if I know absolutely nothing about the subject, but Deron Williams’ hair leaves me at a loss for words every single time I see it.
Yes, Deron, your hair situation nearly moves me to tears too. [image credit]
What is this “style” called exactly? He may think it’s a Cesar, but we all know it’s not. The comb-up-and-over, perhaps?
Furthermore, I am certain that Deron’s using some product rendering his hair completely immovable that is not available over-the-counter. It’s got to be some gel/shellack combination that can only be used under the close supervision of a licensed trichologist and most definitely includes “dry mouth” as a side-effect.
Whatever it is that he uses to keep it all in place, I would not be surprised if he’s also using a “special blend of space-age polymers and tiny, colored fibers” to fill in his hair as well. Or at least that’s the consensus speculation among the many men’s hair loss message boards devoted to discussing D-Will’s hair strategy. (Yes, there is far more discussion of Deron Williams’ hair on hair loss message boards than I ever imagined. Again, I Google, so you don’t have to.)
Needless to say, Deron, this is a case in which you should really take my advice from Hairology 101: cut it all off. Chill out with the product and just accept that you’re only blessed with genetics that enable tremendous athletic ability and not a full, flowing head of hair.
The bad taste in facial hair and tattoos, well, genetics have nothing to do with that-that’s all on you, Deron.
(Oh, and Jazz fans who take offense to my good-natured teasing about D-Will’s look, take note–this is just a bit of karmic retribution for these two delightful ladies.)
Random Style Blips:
- Wow. Shaq’s bowtie.
- Because I just can’t stop with the cardigans, Kobe in a white cardigan. With shiny buttons.
- And, more Kobe — I wouldn’t be surprised if he raided the Designing Women costume archive for this jacket. (Detail view) (Full view)
- This really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but…I finally got to go to the fabled Nike employee store. It’s as awesome as you’d imagine. And I picked up these ridiculous kicks.
Sarah Moon is a Portland-based writer and Trail Blazers fan who spends way too much time contemplating the style hits and misses of NBA players. She loves rookies, misfits, weirdos, free-spirits, underdogs and anyone who wears their heart on their sleeve and holds out hope that one day Channing Frye will triumphantly return to Portland — and run for Mayor. Follow Sarah’s thoughts on basketball, life in Portland and other random musings and rants on Twitter @SarahSMoon.
